One: Buy condoms. Buy them and keep them with you at all times, and use them before you are asked to use them. And use them every time. The peace of mind you allow your partner will free her to be vulnerable with you, and that, my son, is exactly what sex is about. Condoms are sexy. In fact, call buying condoms foreplay.
(Footnote: If you are too embarrassed to buy condoms, you are not ready to have sex.)
Two: Kissing is not merely foreplay. Spend entire evenings making out on the couch while fully clothed. Believe me, dry-humping rocks.
Three: Sex is not just about friction. It’s about emotion. Stop trying to find her clitoris and find her heart. Because then she’ll help you find her clitoris.
Four: If you really wanna know how to please a woman, ask her how she masturbates. Then do that. A lot. If she claims she doesn’t masturbate, offer to take her shopping for a vibrator so you can both learn the vocabulary of her body together.
Five: Don’t put anything in her butthole you wouldn’t want in your own.
(Footnote: Try a pinky finger, it’s kinda awesome.)
Six: When you go down on her—and you will go down on her, and if you are my son, you will be amazing at it—tell her how good she tastes. Stop in the middle and kiss her deeply so she knows how good she tastes. Do the same when she goes down on you.
Seven: A simple Google search will yield 1,327 euphemisms for male masturbation, yet only 23 for female masturbation. If guys spent less time jacking off and more time jilling off, this world would be a happier place.
Eight: Everything you need to know about the importance of the clitoris is in the movie Star Wars. You are Luke Skywalker piloting your penis-shaped X-Wing Fighter deep inside her trench. Remember: seventy percent of all Death Stars cannot be blown up through penetration of the trench alone. It must be through focused contact with that little exhaust port at the top of the trench. Otherwise, any explosions you experience will be merely Hollywood special effects.
Nine: Just because you come doesn’t mean she has, so don’t you dare come before her. Focus completely on your partner. Don’t worry about gettin’ yours, you’re a guy. You always get yours. Your job is to make sure she’s gettin’ hers.
Ten: If sex with your partner lasts no longer than this poem, you are not making love. You are masturbating with her body instead of your hand. Shame on you. Go back to step one. You’ve got a lot of learning to do.
Big Poppa E., “How To Make Love” (via dorkvader)
i feel like this should be published and sold everywhere
could you imagine your dad telling you to put your pinky in a girls butthole wtf(via drpepper2)
I used to build dreams about you.
i feel so sorry for earth.
we destroy everything.
Lately I’ve been having dreams about you and quite frankly, it’s bothering me a whole lot. I don’t want anything to deal with you but yet you keep showing up in my dreams. Please stay out.
It is the combination of the four elements in one person that makes the Avatar so powerful.
my parents never gave me the sex talk and here i am knowing more than i should
The Burning Monk- Thich Quang Duc (1993) sat down in meditation position at Saigon. He then poured gasoline all over his body and set himself alight. He maintained his calm meditative position and did not even make a sound while his body burned and then within a few minutes toppled over. His body was consumed but his heart remained intact. It was placed in the Reserve Bank of Vietnam and is called the Symbol Of The Holy Heart.
He wanted to show people that we can do incredible things when we practice mindfulness. He also wanted to show the world the injustice that was being perpetrated on the Buddhist religion and community by a repressive regime. Needless to say, it worked pretty well and the government softened up on the Buddhist. He is a remarkable symbol of the incredible power the mind holds.
This makes me so happy
I’m tired… I’m so tired. I thought I just needed a night’s sleep, but it’s more than that.
Treat her like you’re still trying to win her, and that’s how you’ll never lose her.
For almost 18 years you’re taught to sit down, shut up, and raise your hand. Then you have to decide what you’re going to do for the rest of your life.